Word on a Wire 3, aka: ‘Things a grizzled veteran like you ought to know’. Starting with how to cheer the fuck up … Mondayitis has got nothing on this. You’re welcome.
Hey you, Smiley!
So, apparently, we’re the saddest fucks in the universe. Well, that’s not exactly what this article said but it certainly suggests that men of a certain age, such as us, are at the nadir of their lives, which is awesome, just awesome. Thanks, Fairfax, for kickstarting our week.
I particularly like the fact that the researchers say, well, shit, it might be trying to raise adolescent kids (those little bastards!) that makes you the saddest people in the world, or then again, it could be the fact that your early 50s is where you realise your hopes and dreams and aspirations are now lying dead, in a gutter, like some kind of roadkill kangaroo. Is it too early in the day to reach for whisky?
Well, we at GiantsAmongMen respectfully have only one thing to say, my silverfox friends: NOT ON OUR WATCH!
That’s exactly why we launched this site: to smack the crap out of those early-fifties doubts and slumps. We’re not saying the researchers are wrong but we are saying we 45-60ers can be in charge of not falling into the funk they discussed.
All going well, we’ve got thirty or forty good years on the planet and all kinds of resources. White flag? Fuck off.
We prefer the motto: ‘It’s never too late to be the man you could have been.’
So, how to be happier? Here’s a way…
Rule number one for being happier, according to USA Today, is to stop spending so much time dwelling on politics. It’s a good point. And we find it ironic that obviously USA Today’s writer is talking about Trump Land, but it applies just as much to us, and in fact, the obsession that the Australian media – and many of us – have with The Great Presidential Imposter’s every move.
I know, I know, that moves in the USA usually have strong ripple effects to Australia, but Trump is not our president, Hurricane Irma is not threatening us, all the bad US things are not Australia.
Take a moment to think about that before it all gets you down… but don’t think for too long or you’ll remember that our actual political leaders are those two uninspiring grey suits Turnbull and Shorten.
Sigh. Wait! The core message was: No politics. Got it. I’m feeling better already.,
Mini-brains are coming to save us!
So let’s talk about happy things, like the fact that tiny human brains are being grown in laboratories, in Birmingham in the UK.
OK, that’s weird any way you look at it, unless your name is Igor, and you go out at night hunting bodies for your boss, Dr Frankenstein, but the good news is that the mini brains may yet unlock Alzheimer’s.
Let’s hope any potential cure is nutted out and released to us before the great big Brexit wall goes up and we never hear from the United Kingdom again. Oops, politics … sorry, sorry. Happy place, happy place … move on
When medicine features the machine that goes oink!
More great health news! You may be able to be half man, half pig within three years – and is it just me, or do you still hear ‘In the year 2020’ and think: ‘Total science fiction’; and then realise: ‘Holy crap! That’s two years and a few months away’?
Anyway, back to looming pig-to-human transplants. Heart not working well? Go the ham route. Need a new kidney? Bacon up! Of course, this new science does raise just one or two tiny questions … like, if we can ‘humanely anaesthetise and kill’ pigs to harvest their organs, COULDN’T PIGS DO THE SAME THING TO US? Beware, Giants. Be very aware.
And this line, buried deep in the story, caught our eye: ‘It may be years before enough is known about the safety of pig organ transplants to allow them to be used widely.’
Yet they’re talking about giving it a crack within two or three years. So good luck, whoever that guinea pig human is (pun intended). We can see the surgeon saying, ‘We’re pretty sure it’s all kosher, patient. (pun also intended) I mean, we’re at least 60 per cent sure you won’t contract weird pig viruses, or that your body won’t outright reject half a pig being planted inside you, or that you won’t actually turn into a pig like some kind of ironic George Orwell medical procedure gone horribly horribly wrong. See you after the op.’ Fantastic.
It’s enough to scramble your brain
Of course, even a pig brain probably can’t help you if you played NFL for a living. Former American footballers are pleading to be allowed to legally light up a spliff to stop their post-career suffering. We’ll be hearing more on this one.
(Side note: recently, walking in the city with my 21-year-old son, he said: ‘Wow, smell that weed!’ and I said, ‘Yeah!’ then said, ‘Wait, how do you not what weed smells like? Have you had a joint?’ and he said, ‘I’ve had many joints, dad.’ For some reason it simply had not occurred to me that he would have done this, even though, of course he had … next he’ll tell me he’s not a virgin …)
Don’t mess with the Kenyan plastic police
A safer topic of conversation with your kids is plastic bags, and the need to remove them. If you scuba dive, you know how much damage plastic causes to the ocean wildlife (although, to be fair, that’s often plastic water bottles breaking down into microplastics), not to mention landfill and all the other problems plastic bags tend to create.
Embarrassingly for Australia, we’re being clearly outpointed in this area by other countries who take the problem seriously. But nobody takes it more seriously than Kenya, which has launched some really intense penalties. The writing is on the wall, peoples. Start carrying around reusable bags, if you’re not already.
It’s an easy win for those of us who would wish to be seen as leaders in our community. Or, at the very least, don’t be left behind. The Earth is depending on you …
And finally, killer robots.
Yes, if you really do decide to hold out on the plastic bag thing, just be aware, that a Kenyan jail term might be the most preferable option. If the future keeps on a-comin’, as we know it will, it won’t be long before you may do something wrong, like talk about politics, depressing the hell out of everyone, and find yourself running from KILLER ROBOTS.
Have a great Monday.